THE RIOT WITHIN

I hate what I am feeling since last night... Because it feels terribly sad... It's like I have suffered from a great loss when apparently I didn't. It's like the being taken away from the persons you love most... it's as if no matter how much more you want to spend time with them, you just can't do it anymore...because the time is running out along with everyone else's... it's like the fear of being there, seeing nothing,, feeling nothing, watching the emptiness around you, wondering if you really even exist... it's like smelling death in the air... tasting its curse in your tongue... feeling the gosh of fear and the pain in your blood...teasing you to feel your every thinning breath...luring you to sink in inside a big black hole that will take you to somewhere unknown...

I am scared... of the things that I don't really know of.. I am scared of a lot of things that I repeatedly see in my dreams as I sleep and the evil flow of my thoughts when I am awake. I hate the fact that I don't understand any of them... Is this just paranoia? An effect of the series of accidents, incidents, and events that I have seen or heard on the news lately? Is this because I read too much and let myself get drowned with what I have read?

Then again the flashes of scenes started to fill my thoughts... People screaming... Buildings that are falling down... Cities caught in huge fires.. Bombings everywhere... More and more people are scattered on the streets.. Fearing for their own safety... their own lives… Looking for their own families... Crying helplessly... Everyone is desperately asking for help from each other...

Then, just like the previous dream/visions/thoughts I had, I see myself sitting on a rubble.. Leaning against a collapsed wall.. hugging my siblings tight...crying with them... hiding from I don't know who...trying to see as much as I can through the thick smoke that seems to cover the whole scene around me... until all I can hear are the distant screaming...people pleading to stay alive...then I'll search for a mobile phone.. check if it is still working and I will alternately call my mom, my dad, my boyfriend and our other relatives as I freak out and worry too much if they had survived in whatever is happening in my dream...as I wonder how much more will all of us stay alive, a deafening sound of something huge... like the explosion of the sun that will bring a really loud thud and a blinding light... then everything around me will become all white... until I cannot not hear the distant screaming or the sob of my youngest brother anymore...can not even feel my own hands moving or feel my own breath.. Then I'll try to make a sound... I'll try to scream but it will only be too painful...

Just when I thought waking up will be a lot better, this feeling of sadness and worries and fears will haunt me for days... and it will stay as if to remind me that what i saw will happen real soon...

Until i become scared again to think that there's nothing left for me to do but to spend as much time with my loved ones and get myself ready to part with them anytime..soon...because this earth is a ticking bomb... and its time is running out pretty soon.. and there will be no one, but HIM who will decide if it’s about time to explode or if it will just tick endlessly to scare people with less faith like me...

undecided

it's twenty minutes past eleven in the evening... i've spent the day doing basically nothing in the office today....just like what i did yesterday and the day before it..... my job is beginning to appear dull to me... and i definitely want to do something for a change..

i spent the rest of the afternoon searching for new possible jobs here and abroad, as i really like to quit my job now... but then, as i was looking on the list of available positions, i realized that almost everyone in almost everywhere is looking for hotel workers or medical people or engineers of many kinds and so on...

this particular job item caught my attention and made me remember how i used to really really like to take this course after finishing high school (along with theater arts, journalism and mass communications of course) ...

and now, i can't decide on whether to earn another degree in dentistry, or to just look for another job? first, the course seems to require a huge amount of money for that matter... and i am fully aware that right now, i do not have or i do not know where to get the right resources... my father is currently studying law, my mom is taking her Master's Degree, my youngest sister is only in second year college and our youngest is still in kindergarten, enrolled in a private school suited for his special condition...

second is that studying dentistry will take me four or five years before i can finally complete the course...by then i'll be thirty... the time that i would also probably want to start a family of my own...

third is that, upon searching for some basic information on the course, i came across the fact that maybe, there are these subjects that i won't be able to pass in just a single take... can i really afford to let myself fail and waste the money that i am going to use to enroll? and what if i won't be able to maintain good grades? where will i go after i finish the course? will i be able to pass the license exam and be a full pledged Dentist? will i ever be Dra. Ronai Aldmee V. Cambel in the future?

fourth, nani seems to be a bit hesitant about it...it is apparent that he also wants me to be happy and to be able to decide for myself, but taking into considerations his plans for the both of us, my dream seems to be unattainable...Now let me rephrase it...am i going to be a proud Dra. Ronai Aldmee C. Pangilinan someday?

uhm... still want to say a lot of things right now... but it is already getting late...and i should take a rest... maybe i'll just spend the whole day again tomorrow thinking about nothing but these thoughts... good luck to me..may God help me see which way to go...may Nani stay with me to whichever road i will follow :)