THIS IS ME.. A FEW YEARS BACK (another recovered poem)

Strong-willed. Adamant. Persistent.
It's how I sometimes want to be perceived by other people.
Animated. Humorous. Elated. Funny.
It's the kind of life that I want to lead.
Calm, Solemn. Serene. Relaxed.
It's the feeling deep within that I am craving to achieve. S
uccessful. Rewarding. Outstanding. Effective.
It's how I really want to become so badly.
Bewitching. Irresistible. Charming. Attractive.
Its my own person that exists only in my fantasies.
Too bad because I can only be me.
Passive. Apathetic. Shy. Submissive.
I can be badly hurt, but then I'd let go and forgive.
Dull. Dry.Numb. Idle.
Living life for me is like trying to figure out some heartless villain's riddle.
Confused. Perplexed. Baffled. Chaotic.
It's how my life has been since the war between my reasoning and emotion existed.
Failure. Useless. Empty. Broken.
And it's too painful just to think of because it's inevitable like hanging on in a verge of death.
Obnoxious. Abhorred. Hated. Cursed.
Because I am trying so hard just to fit in..
Awkwardly trying to be loved and cared for..
An act that only made me want to hate myself more. A fact that I want to put an end to.