feelmysoul

hear my random thoughts.... they are the echoes of my screaming soul...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

HINDI AKO MABAIT. WALANG TAONG MABAIT.

The title above is translated as “I am not kind. No person is kind.” It actually came from my sister’s profile in her facebook account.

Marami siguro ang magre-react sa title ng post na ito trying to justify their kindness. And I don’t see anything wrong with it if they reacted the way I am expecting most of them to react. Kasi ako, ganun din ang unang naging reaction ko. Love your own, sabi nga nila.

Paano nga ba nagiging mabait in the first place? Kapag ba faultless at halos perfect ka na? Kapag ba hindi ka sumusuway sa boss mo? Kapag tinutupad mo ang lahat ng kahilingan ng mga magulang mo? Is it being kind when you pretend to buy someone else’s story kahit parang conflicting na so as not to offend them? Or when you’re giving everyone in the world their expectations from you? Would that be too complicated? Given the standards above, fail na fail talaga ako sa papaging mabait.

Tahimik ako madalas at walang keber sa mga sinasabi ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Wala akong pakialam kahit nagkakagulo na sila as long as they don’t involve me with it. But it doesn’t mean na wala akong opinion sa mga pangyayari. I am only trying my best to be kind. Plastic siguro yon sa mata ng marami. Pero para sa akin, hindi kaplastikan yun kung indifferent naman ako sa sa taong yon in the same way na hindi ko pinansin ang mga narinig ko tungkol sa kanya. I try my best to be kind and shut the fuck up, but I don’t pretend to be kind to them. Magkaiba yon. Yung una, mas pinipili kong para silang hangin na dumadaan sa harap ko lalo na kung bad trip ako at affected/in doubt sa kung ano man ang narinig ko about them, kesa sa pangalawa na nagpapanggap na maayos ang lahat pero pag talikod nila, sagad hanggang buto ang lahat ng masamang bagay na kaya kong sabihin tungkol sa kanila. Yun ang pamamalastik. Or at least, sa definition ko, ganun yun.

I am not perfect. I am aware that not a lot of person is pleased with my I-don’t-give-a-damn attitude and many will perceived it as being selfish and self-centered, but that’s just the way I am. Yes I am cold and you probably won’t enjoy my company, but at least you’ll be assured that what you see is what you get. I’ll try to be good to you but I won’t pretend that I am faultless and behave in the way that you would expect me too. Hindi sa wala akong respeto. Gusto ko lang maging totoo sa nararamdaman ko. Ano bang mas preferred mo, magplastikan tayo? I sometimes walk out on people in the middle of an argument, not really caring how they would think of me. I won’t talk to anyone if I don’t feel like to. Life is too short to spend it thinking of ways to please them every time.

I won’t work my ass off just because the bosses are around and so I’ll get them impressed. I work because I feel like working and I am enjoying it. If I get too bored with it, unless it is urgent, I would set it aside for a moment to divert my attention to something else, like surfing the net, reading a chapter of the book or blogging. Oo, pasaway ako. I may not be a model employee but I don’t really care. Maybe those who are aspiring for a much higher position and aiming for more power over people are cursing me right now for wasting one golden opportunity. I won’t earn another or a higher degree jut to live up to other people’s expectation. Others may see it as lacking of dreams. On my part, this might be true for I had my one real dream fleeting and drifting off, not a long time ago.

Other than that, it would also be true to say that I have enjoyed my life for the past years and I don’t really care if I only find the need and feel the desire to pursue a degree now. At least I know that I am doing it because this is what I really want…or at least what I want for the moment. This is also why I’d rather choose to study when I am really ready and interested to learn, rather than to study before this certain time and memorized the things that would give me straight As on my card and Ahh later on from people that would be impressed with it.

I know more people were thinking that they are better than me just because they do and plan things in a much better way than I do. But would it be too naïve to assume as such, when there’s this possibility that I probably know more things that they could ever learn to memorize from a book? I’m telling you people, I am not really kind. And most of the time, I can’t hide my embarrassment and disappointment when the people I know brags about their achievement and belittle someone’s incapacity one moment, then fail to make a simple application of what they perfectly memorized from a book in another. I guess that’s because common sense are not being thought and discussed thoroughly in a book (fierce!).

I don’t know why but I am one of those few who don’t equate good memory with being a genius. Sabi nga ni Einstein, “Why should I memorize something I can so easily get from a book?” I am also turning twenty seven this year. Pero me and my boyfriend do not have a concrete plan yet on whether to settle down or to just continue on enjoying these things as we currently do. I love spending as much time as I can get with him. We watch movies together. I spend some time in their house with his family in as much as he spends time with my family as well on weekends.

Others may call me a bitch because I fell way too low on their naïve standards, and I don’t care. At least, even if my trip here on earth and my time spent with him will be cut off short tomorrow, I have lived a happy life and exceeded their judgments and expectations. To wrap things up, I am not trying to live a perfect life, for living such life would just be a far fetch dream. Pero hindi ko din naman masasabi na pariwara ang buhay ko ngayon.

I am just not following a certain path. Ang gulo na..Halo-halo na ang topic. Basta hindi ako mabait. Matino ako pero hindi ako mabait. I also have my flaws that sometimes hinder me from having many friends and gaining other people’s trust. It maybe hard, pero since abnormal nga ako gaya ng madalas sinasabi ng kapatid ko, wala lang talaga akong paki-alam. I am not trying to justify kung bakit hindi ako mabait. Basta para sa akin, ako at ang iba pang mga tao ay parang matter na nasa liquid state. Yung iba ay pipiliing ilagay ang mga sarili nila sa isang lalagyan (path) na may definite shape (expectation ng iba/pagpapakabait) hanggang sa mapuno ang lalagyan. While there were others like me who would choose to be placed in a jar with no definte shape. Carry lang, after all, at one point, mapupuno ko din naman ang lalagyan ko.

Saludo ako sa mga taong magsasabing mabait talaga sila. Pero ako, pangangatawanan ko na hindi talaga ako mabait. Ginagawa ko lang kung saan ako magiging masaya. Sabi nga sa coke commercial (maihabol lang) “maiksi lang ang buhay kaya piliin mo yung magpapasaya sa’yo. “

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