searching for solace

I don’t quite know if the heat of the scorching sun has something to do with what I am feeling. And how can I possibly tell when what I am feeling is not even clear to me. Funny…weird…pathetic… Whatever!

Or is it this nostalgia again that keeps on bothering me… was it the dream I had last night that had this effect on me?

These past few days, I had been constantly dreaming of talking to someone whose identity is left strange to me. For how can I know him when I can’t even remember who he was or what we talked about the moment I woke up?

Sometimes, we are together in a group of people, other times there were just the two of us talking alone. Sometimes we are just sitting on a cool shade while listening on the rustling leaves playing with the wind. Sometimes I find ourselves just sitting on a huge rock while paying attention to the laughter made by the river running against some volcanic molten rock. Still there were times we are sitting in a busy corner of a city street, mumbling with the horning and raging engines of the cars. At times we were standing on the highest building and just throwing our gaze and tracing along the horizon that sets the starry heavens apart from the blinking city lights.

There were moments I feel he was years older than me. Sometimes I woke up and had an eccentric feeling of being protected and cared of. As if I’d been through a difficult battle and my body was crashed, wounded and badly hurt with flesh torn and swollen. But then somebody came to protect me while he himself has difficulty finding his way through the wild with his body being our only shield from the spears of life. There in the wilderness he would hide me in a place not known to the selfish world…where there are a lot of people just like him, willing to protect and look after my injured and confused soul.

Other times I feel like I am talking to a younger brother or someone about my age who is weeping, searching, and unprotected. I felt his tears running down my shoulder as he was crying for mere understanding and affection. I felt so weak and unworthy because I can feel his pain, but wasn’t able to calm him for I find myself exactly in a situation just like his.

How can I give him comfort when I cannot even wipe the tears flowing from my own eyes? How can I share a piece of what I am when I, too is incomplete? How will I be able to protect, when I myself needs security from someone?

The latter inexplicably sad dreams were the kind that I am more recently dreaming of. Those were the dreams that can drain my energy and can make me restless all through the day. It is what makes me long for someone to shelter me from getting hurt and be able to provide shield for other people too. It’s the kind of dream that makes my soul reminded of the solace it had long been asking from the world.

I closed my eyes trying to grasp the trace of the man’s silhouette from my last night’s dream… but he is already gone. Ironically though, when I opened my eyes, I can still feel the pinch of pain he left embedded deep within me…empty, longing, and lost….